283 out of 365

283 Days into 2018 –

82 days left of this year and I feel as if I have become a completely different person.

This time last year I was still in highschool, and had extreme anxiety and self-esteem issues.

I was living an hour away from all my friends and 2 years into a long distance relationship.

Since February this year I have:

  • Graduated highschool
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  • Moved back to where my friends are
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  • Cut all my hair off
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  • Ended that relationship
  • Traveled to new places
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  • Started going to therapy and taking medication for depression and anxiety
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  • Began dating someone new (and incredible)
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  • Started working on my photography again
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  • I began to wear clothes that made me feel like myself… not caring what others opinions are
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I’m starting a job soon and college in the spring but before that; I’m flying internationally for the first time. In December I’m flying to Manchester alone to visit my significant other and meet his family.

This year has taught me so many lessons.

I discovered more of my own worth this year and I made new friends who add beauty to my life.

I also became comfortable enough in my own skin to do things I always used to shy away from (talking on the phone or to people in general, eating at a restaurant by myself, taking new classes, and pushing myself to be kind to strangers.)

Those things may not seem like much but growing up as an extremely shy child that didn’t order her own food at a restaurant until she was 13… it’s a big deal.

P.s (In light of my upcoming trip to England I have made a GoFundMe page for anyone who feels in their heart that they want to help me with costs for my trip. It’s going to cost about $3,000 for flights, lodging, and food.

Also to my friends and family, if you are thinking of getting me something for christmas.. this would be an opportunity for that. I would much rather get to go on this trip than have any more material things.

Here is the link: https://www.gofundme.com/5wdu6b-trip-to-england )

Thank you for reading and hopefully I will begin to update more regularly as my life begins to unfold

and I grow.



Introducing Insecurity

I have learned ( especially over this past year ) how devastating comparison can be. I have experienced, first hand, how invasive negative thoughts (toward yourself) can be and how hard it is for them to go away once you let them in.

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This world we live in and this society we have become is made for the beautiful.
Beautiful faces and people. Beautiful homes, beautiful pictures, and items.
The best of the best. And if you don’t have it, you aren’t as cool, or relevant.

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These are the things I have believed to be true. It’s amazing how something as incredible and complex as the human brain, can create thoughts that become a bulldozer plowing through the garden of your mind.

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In my case, comparison became scrutiny, which became insecurity. Insecurity grew into self-loathing which soon turned into depression. And so on and so forth.
The mind is a useful tool and a deadly weapon. It can be the watering can that helps you grow or the shears that cut you down.

Some truths I have learned by experience :

  • Just because someone has it worse than you, doesn’t make the way you feel any less valid
  • You cannot believe the things you see on social media to be true (in some/most cases)
  • Everyone has moments of self-doubt and feeling overwhelmed
  • Comparison WILL kill you
  • It is not beneficial to isolate yourself from others
  • It’s okay to not know whats going to happen
  • Cherish the good days, and cut yourself some slack on the bad

It is a lot harder to pick up the watering can after using the shears for a long time, than it is to pick up the shears after using the watering can.
In other words, it is a lot harder to stop comparing yourself to others than it is to start.

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The key to growing a beautiful mind garden, is to take the keys out of the bulldozer and throw them as hard as you can.
Take a step back. If social media is doing more harm than good, (and you’re able to) take a break from it. Pull some weeds and unfollow the people who make you feel bad about yourself. Plant some seeds by surrounding yourself with things that make you feel worthy and beautiful and good…

and watch your garden grow.

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